Everyday Musings > If ever I am afraid again

I had a terrible attack of migraine yesterday, the worst in months. Got home, tried to lie down, but couldn't sleep. Finally took a Saridon and slept off. Only to wake at one. Anxious and terrified. Of god knows what. I lay, clutching my duvet, frozen with fear for some time. Then turned on the lights, ran to the kitchen and got a little brass Ganesha from my little temple and leapt back into bed and held it close, chanting everything I knew. But there was still so much fright. Messaged the friends likely to stay up that late. Thankfully R was up. Called him. He said, get up, make some tea. Drink it, you'll feel better. I chattered nervously, made tulsi tea and came back and sat in my bed, chattering some more till I sipped some tea and felt calmer and bid him goodnight. The manic fear gone, I was now wide awake and wondering what to do. I remembered buying a DVD of Breakfast at Tiffanys intending to watch it sometime and never having time. Now I did have time. Went and got it, slid it into my laptop, snuggled big fat headphones on and was lost in Audrey Hepburn's charms. The movie had one of my all time favourite songs, Moon River. I hummed along and watched my fears disappear.

As a child, whenever I was afraid, my mother would say a prayer she learnt as a child, and taught me to say it so I wouldn't be afraid. I said it for many years, till tonight, when I realised that prayer was a distraction, a way of calming my breath, and that it could be anything, even Moon River, if I believed it would make me happy.

Moon River goes something like this. Moon River, wider than a mile, I'm crossing you in style some day. Oh, dream maker, you heart breaker, wherever you're going I'm going your way. Two drifters off to see the world. There's such a lot of world to see. We're after the same rainbow's end-- waiting 'round the bend, my huckleberry friend, Moon River and me.

In the movie, Audrey Hepburn talks of having Mean Red Days, where she feels afraid for no reason at all, and what calms her down is a trip to Tiffany's. Like in the song from Sound of Music, where Julie Andrews sings 'I simply remember my favourite things and then I don't feel so bad.'

I thought of all the things to remember and do if ever I was afraid again. Turning on all the lights at home. Singing Moon River aloud to myself. Reading a romantic story. Watching a movie. Drinking Tulsi Tea. Eating a chocolate. Calling a friend who's likely to be awake. Cleaning my house. Organising my wardrobe. Scrubbing my feet. Doodling. Watering my plants. Having a midnight snack. Solving a crossword. Having another cup of tulsi tea. Sending smses my friends would read the moment they woke up. Writing 500 words.