Everyday Musings > Not time yet

I live out situations in my head. And in the theatre of my life, I have the wittiest lines, the best comebacks and a life where I live out my dreams every day. But in reality, I'm standing, with a 'things to do' list, waiting for a moment that's around a corner without realising I live in a circle.

Maryanne Williamson says, "Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that frightens us most. We ask ourselves, 'Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, and famous?' Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that people won't feel insecure around you. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in all of us. And when we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others."

We wait our whole lives to live the life we want to live, to do the things we want to do. 'It's not time yet', we say to ourselves. 'I'll have fun and freak out. But today I need to work'. 'I'll take my family to a great vacation, but not now, someday'. 'I'll learn to dance, next year'. 'I'll start a business of my own, when I feel the risk is minimal.' 'I'll backpack around Europe, let me get used to the idea.' 'I'd love to bungee jump, let me think about it.'

Our dreams are secondary to our survival, and we get so caught up in the predictable routine which we know will bring us a predictable productive future, that we postpone our dreams.

Each one of us has an unfulfilled wish list. Mine's an ongoing one. I want to travel to Europe. See Paris or London or New York in Christmas. I want to dance all my life. I want to write a book. I want to have a baby. I want to learn how to sing. I want to bungee jump. I want a house in the hills I retire to. I want to love like I've never loved before. I want to make a difference in people's lives. I want to make people around me fulfil their dreams.

I sat on this list for a long time, waiting for a good time to start doing what I want. I realised the good time is 'now'. So I'm ticking things off, making new experiences, so that when I shut my eye, I don't have a pillow of regrets to sleep on.

This is one of my favourite poems, Warning by Jenny Joseph. She talks of living her life, being herself, 'making up' for living such a sedate life, and doing whatever she feels like, but only when she grows old. Read it aloud, or have someone read it to you. I found myself in her words, you might too.

Warning by Jenny Joseph

"When I am an old woman I shall wear purple
With a red hat, which doesn't go, and doesn't suit me.
And I shall spend my pension on brandy and summer gloves
And satin sandals, and say we've no money for butter.
I shall sit down on the pavement when I'm tired
And gobble up samples in shops and press alarm bells
And run my stick along the public railings
And make up for the sobriety of my youth.
I shall go out in my slippers in the rain
And pick flowers in other people's gardens
And learn to spit.

You can wear terrible shirts and grow more fat
And eat three pounds of sausages at a go
Or only bread and pickle for a week
And hoard pens and pencils and beer mats and things in boxes.

But now we must have clothes that keep us dry
And pay our rent and not swear in the street
And set a good example for the children.
We must have friends to dinner and read the papers.
But maybe I ought to practice a little now?
So people who know me are not too shocked and surprised
When suddenly I am old, and start to wear purple."